#77 Genevieve Simperingham | Pathways to Peaceful Parenting

AUTOGENERATED TRANSCRIPT

00:00 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Today we are together with Genevieve Simperingham. Did I say it almost correctly? Genevieve.

00:06 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
Perfect.

00:07 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Ah, that's perfect Because it is an Irish name. Yeah, and they can be a little difficult to pronounce. You are, as the reason I'm mentioning you're from Ireland is that people might be able to hear it on your accent, but right now you're actually in New Zealand.

00:28 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
Yeah, yes, I've been in New Zealand for 25 years, yeah.

00:33 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Yeah, we have a. We have a good friend who is a Kiwi, as they call themselves down there, and he lives in the States, so, and one of our traveling friends. But the reason we invited you is because you are into peaceful parenting and I just like the sound of it and also would like to explore what we mean about peaceful parenting. But first of all, a proper welcome. Thank you for giving your time and being here with us today.

01:10 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
Thank you for having me. I've been really looking forward to this conversation, enjoying listening to some of your podcasts and going. Yeah, I've got lots in common with these guys. I'm sure we could talk for hours of time allowed.

01:24 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
When I, some days ago, was thinking how would I introduce this, I was, uh, joking stupidly in my mind, saying we maybe hit more people or attract more people if we would call it stressful parenting, because that's sometimes I can relate to that? I, yeah, so so, um, to jump right into it what, what are some of the challenging things that people, uh, you meet and connect with about parenting? What is it that stresses them out and and where are their troubles? What is it they see you and the peaceful parenting community for?

02:06 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
yeah, that's a really good question.

02:08
You know, sometimes, um, when I'm running a seminar, and uh, and I ask them in the audience you know if who has this experience that they thought that before they became a parent, that they kind of had got it together and that they were, you know, and and then you became apparent and you realize that you had all of this rage that you didn't even know existed and, um, and you know, and usually there's a lot of laughter and a lot of hands going up and people really enjoy and that that experience of you know talking about the rage, but but you know, and I say, well it's, it's the, it's the frustration of the powerlessness of all of these needs that are competing.

02:51
Or you know, everybody in the family has so many needs and as a parent, you've just got this such a strong instinct to meet your children's needs, but you've got your own needs as well and the kids all have different needs from each other and and it's just inherently stressful and and then, by its nature of parenting, we just don't have that time and we look back to before we were parents and kind of resented that we had all that time, that we just, you know, maybe could have done more healing or more personal development or more whatever it is.

03:26
But so you know, you, jesper, you said that word stress, you know stressful and so, and so I'm just bringing that front and center that really, by the very nature of parenting it's stressful, and you know what, what you guys are doing, like living, living that nomadic lifestyle, you're, you know, you're maybe attempting to reduce some of the stressors. Like one of the most challenging, stressful things that parents face on any one day is getting the kids out the door to that place, like how huge is, absolutely monumental, what is involved, you know, and then you get there, go hi, how are you?

04:08
yeah, good, how are you, yeah and everybody's like, oh yeah, feeling like the end of the thread, or so a lot of really, really, really stressed parents. And then the parents who, the parents who seek, um the help of. I'm aor and a parent educator and I train people as well to be, you know, who's not fitting into the box not that any child can actually fit into side and and the the children you know, maybe they're neurodivergent, maybe they've got learning difficulties, there's trauma there and whatever it is that that child is is like the um, the one who is screaming out in the family to say the whole system is out of balance and we need to do something. So parents approach me, people like me, saying what can we do about this child? This child is uncooperative, they're aggressive, they're difficult, they're, they're way behind in school, whatever it is.

05:40
And and then through that, through that journey, they very quickly realized that it's it's a big healing journey that they, the parents, need to need to go through and that everything is connected and that the child who's being really obedient and cooperative and all of that Often there's just as much wounding and issues there that the parent wasn't even realizing was going under the radar. So, yeah, yeah, so it's the, it's the more kind of difficult children who who cause the parents to go what am I doing wrong and what can I do differently and how can I fix this child? And it just begins them. And this I love about peaceful parenting is that they seek parent education or parent coaching, but it actually takes them into the world of looking at their own childhood and looking at the relationship with themselves and their partners. And and because that's ultimately what I do- I facilitate healing.

06:43 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Yeah, I facilitate growth and healing there's two thoughts that came to my mind. One is if a child don't fit into the box, can we just make the box bigger? That would be exactly well, and that's what exactly.

07:03 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
That's what parents. They soon realize that when they tap into what's the child feeling, what are they needing? Then they start to see that the environment needs to change. Of modern counselling, and you know, and his was the philosophy that that anxiety is a, is like a healthy symptom of an being in an unhealthy environment. You know so and that's very much what I'm helping parents see is that the, the child's behaviour is their stress response to a stressful environment, and so it is the environment that needs to change.

07:49 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Yeah, and and the other thought was this about the child being the, maybe the symptom carrier of, of, of or the show of what is broken um. On a recent podcast we talked with one who used an expression that made me laugh. She called herself a recovering yeller and I sometimes I have my recovering yeller really well under control, but sometimes I'm still not totally there, times I'm still not totally there. So so people who meet you and people who meet the whole peaceful parenting community, I'm just considering if it can be stressful for a parent thinking, oh now I need to be so good a parent and peaceful in my parenting.

08:40
But at the same time, sometimes they just can't figure it out. They're stressed out and then they just ah, things come out, and then they maybe blame themselves on top of that.

08:51 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
So exactly, exactly, exactly, and hence the. The cycle goes on and on, um, and I'm thinking of I'm thinking of this somebody who I've helped and she came up to me at the end of a workshop that I was running and she said, she said, at the moment I can only read your articles because she, she was saying that she's so, um, sensitive and vulnerable to anything that's going to activate her self-berating, her self-criticism, and, and so you, that's something that I'm really, really sensitive about and I, you know, I, always say, if I ever make this sound easy, then I'm doing something wrong, because it's just not easy. And parents need to. You know that they really need to be as compassionate with themselves as they are with their child, and that's the journey that this takes them into. Is that I was talking about the child's behavior being symptomatic of their unmet needs and their wounding and trauma. That's there. Well, that's the same with the parents. You know that that that parent, in that moment where they, where they lose it, they're not, they're not an adult, in that moment, they're a child, feeling completely out of control and overwhelmed. And so, adding criticism and berating, going, I just should, um, cause it doesn't work. And you know, when we know better, we do better. It's just not that simple, is it? It's not that simple because it's not just child feel insecure and reactive and rebellious and won't cooperate with me. But we can't just flick a switch, we just can't. We have to be compassionate with ourselves and that's not easy, that's incredibly difficult and it takes us into that journey of self-healing and looking at the shame, the shame that drives us and and binds us.

11:11
Because, you know, I didn't learn this, any of this, from my family of origin. I'm one of nine grew up in you know a farm in rural Ireland and experienced, you know, nine out of ten of of the categories of abuse by that you know the ACE score. So it was really severe violence and severe abuse and neglect in my family. And that's what that's where it all started with. Me was trying to kind of fix myself, you know, realizing all I'm doing is trying to pretend to the world. I'm just trying to show the world that I'm okay and I've got a squirted and I've got a job or I've got you know. But actually I was a total mess and that was a real shock to realize because I had convinced myself that I had left my abusive past behind. I didn't even have to tell anybody because I've just left it and sorted it.

12:08
But, um, but actually those wounds go really, really, really, really deep and as much as I wanted to just not pass any of that on to my children, but actually that's just not even possible. We can do the best we can, but we're, you know, there's, there's all of that generational trauma that's come down through your both, your parents line, both you know all of our parents lines, and it's there, it's in the family, it's in the fabric of the family and it's big work. So that's why it all comes back to it all comes back to healing. And so you know, but you just were just you saying it out loud about how hard it is to you know, you've had those moments where, like I've, I'm, I've done with the yelling, and then something happens in that moment where something happens, you get just damn annoying.

13:05
Yeah, exactly.

13:13 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Or put more correctly then my self-control and energy runs out, and then I'm not as good as parents want to be.

13:16 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
But can I say something completely contradictory to this? And it's not because I disagree because I don't yes, please to this, and it's not because I disagree because I don't, yes, please, but in a way, at the same time, I I've. I just want to say that it's also easy at the same time. It's easy at the same time as a parent. It's about the mindset. It's about letting go of that parental idea of having to be in control and having the responsibility of every little action your child makes and that little narrow box of I know it, all kind of thing, learning to, or maybe just realizing that having children is basically something that happens, like rain. It happens.

14:17
And now you live with these children. They are part of your life and they're going to be, hopefully, for the rest of your life. So being a parent it's just like having arms and legs. It's it's you, it's part of what it is to be here. So we don't have, it's not like a project that we have to micromanage and whatever comes out of it is reflecting back on us. We have a daughter who is an amazing artist artist and she released three books. And every time there's a book release, uh, people say, oh, you're so proud, like why would I be proud I didn't write that book?

14:56 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
I'm more confused. How did that happen?

14:59 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
invest. I'm many things but not proud. So I think this and this is a excuse me this is a mindset, a top-down kind of mindset, a control mindset, uh, almost like industrial revolution kind of thing. We make this family factory and it's my job to make sure all the butt, everything is adjusted, and then they come out for success, and that's not what life is. Really. So, yes, we they push all our trigger points. They are our healing catalysts. The children, they, and I totally agree.

15:39
And it's very hard to be your best because you're not. None of us are, um, but then, at the same time, if we can make that mindset shift, get the shoulders down. You talk about a bigger box. How about just not having a box, letting people be who they are and and just shine rather than lead, then I think it's not that hard, it's, it's a very good place to start and it will make big changes.

16:23
And if I can continue just for a minute, I'm saying this because I remember when our children were really small, when we had three that were really small and one that was a teenager and I had just survived cancer, there was no time for reflection or like where, where do I have my? I have a good chunk load full of backpacks in plural, of childhood trauma, trauma and adult trauma, if we should. I mean, it's not like I don't have anything. And my kids they know exactly like all of the kids wear trigger points. And can I keep poking, especially when she hasn't slept?

17:02
Yes, yes, but there was no time. When would I do it? I had to show up for my children and just cook the meals, do the vacuum cleaning, wash the clothes, read the stories, fall asleep, start over. So I'm just saying, if we're doing this recording today and it goes out there to parents, maybe, if that's your reality, do the mindset shift and breathe, because the whole inner word, maybe there's no space for it, and that's all right. You'll be an okay, kids will come out fine and life is, you know, with arms, legs and children and rain and it's all good.

17:43 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
I mean I'll shut up now, yeah no, that's beautifully said and it's really it's. It's it's kind of to know. It's, in a way, it's sort of really summing up the growth mindset you know, isn't it? As opposed to that sort of more fixed mindset of, you know, achieving this or being this, or you know and that's. You know, I was going to say that's what we want, but that's certainly what I want for myself and my kids. You know, I want them to just to not be lucky, trying to be perfect.

18:22
You know, we joke about being a good person and it's just, it's like something we kind of joke about a lot. You know, my son will say I really wanted to go to the gym but I didn't get to the gym, but I'm still a good person. And the other day, you know, and it's just a joke thing and it's, and we can joke about it because, and because I guess we all feel that sort of pressure from society to achieve or, you know, not achieve, or be good or not be good, be this or not, be that, not be that. And I think those of us who are very much in this mindset and have been living in this mindset, we know that that that's not the reality that we want to live by and we want our children to live by, but yet it's kind of. It's kind of all around us. You know, um and our, our neighbor here. She's just so talented with her um, you know, in in the gardens and she often comes around and and she helps us out and um, and and she just did this huge big project here in our garden and um, and we came around and she had just done kind of five times as much as everybody else in in the same space time. And um and my and my son said, oh my gosh, I just I just spent hours. I only like, got this little patch done, but I'm still a good person. And I said, yeah, we're still good. We're just not as good as Lisa. We're still good people and we all crack up laughing and so you know, but it's so good that we can always bring that sort of humor in.

20:03
And, cecilia, you know my kids, my son, he actually works full time for me these days, so both my children do. So I'm, you know, luckily, yeah, I feel really blessed about that because it's just the best environment. You know, we have so much fun and but he started off in Steiner Kinsey and then I homeschooled him, unschooled and and then he went to estate school and and this little, little seaside village school and you know, so my kids have done, they've done both. They've done both school and unschooling and um, and the thing is that they, you know, they just get to choose as well, and I just didn't.

20:50
I didn't really know if school was right for my daughter especially, but that's where she wanted to be, because that's where her, her really close friends were and she didn't have friends on the coast where we lived who were, who were homeschool families. You know, and that's what she wanted, and it didn't have friends on the coast where we lived who were homeschool families. You know, and that's what she wanted and it didn't. And you're just navigating your way, do it differently from your friends and you know that your friends, their parents, will give them kind of offer them rewards for doing well in school or doing those assignments or whatever, or you know, ground them or punish them. And you know we didn't do any of that stuff. And and what he said was like different from what, from what we expected, what I expected to hear, and he said about I don't know what I did expect, but he said well it. What I like about it is that all of my achievements are my own.

22:00
I was like, oh, can you explain that? It's like well, like well, if you were saying, you know you've got to study, I'm not going to let you go out and play with your friends because you've got to study, you've got this exam coming up and you're not going to do well unless you study, and that sort of thing, and then I wouldn't feel like it was my full achievement. You know, and he had to kind of explain that to me and I think I don't know. That just came up just a couple of days ago and it was really interesting looking back on it and I think that's just true for life, isn't it? You know, and that's the same for parent education as well, is that if I'm, if I'm just telling parents this is what you should do and what you shouldn't do, you know, I don't want them to feel like am I doing it right or am I doing it wrong? You know, that's that's as I said, you know, a while ago jesper is in response.

23:06
Something you said is that ultimately, I just facilitate that whole space.

23:12
You know, that's what I see, as my role is just holding space for parents who are really, really, really struggling, because everything you described there, cecilia is so you know it's, it's so beautiful and, and, and yet for so many parents it just seems like, uh, an unachievable goal to get to that, that level of being at peace with, with the, the you know how well you're doing or how not well you're doing, because they are evaluating themselves and they're evaluating their children all the time.

23:47
Um, because that's the society we grew up in and, I think, to support each other, to, as you say, just get free of the body box altogether. You know we have to. I just think what's needed is community, isn't't it? And meeting each other with genuine compassion and holding space and getting away from all of this, what's right and what's wrong, and, as you said in the beginning, that it's not, it's not even about you know, oh, unschooling is good. Going to school is bad, because it's just not. As you know, none of it's as simple as that, because, yeah, it's just us humans who are really, we're really complex, and yet we've got simple impulses to connect and to learn and love.

24:39 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
But really it's not about the format as such. It's about our relation to the format. It's not about whether you have sit down dinners every day at six o'clock exactly, and you know, or you use schools or not, or everyone I don't know have to learn three languages. Have to learn three languages. There's no, it's it's you. You will establish some family culture of some sort, no matter what you do, even if you think you do nothing, because that's kind of hard to do. It's about the relation to that family culture. It's about am I enforcing this because I believe that I'm right and this is how it has to be? Or maybe just because some inner thing is driving me to do this? I might, I don't know, be afraid of not doing it, so we don't use schools.

25:33
Now, our oldest was in school for many years, so it's not. We're not unfamiliar with the concept of school and how it affects family life. It's not about school or not school. It's about how do we relate to that school situation? And okay, and also the thing I wanted to say for before, when I couldn't stop talking, was just because, if we believe that we have to heal all of our childhood trauma and become this white dressed person with a lot of inner peace and light before we can be a good parent, then I think we might give up or wait to having children when you're 70 you know or say, okay, whatever, I'm just gonna shout because there's no.

26:19
You know, I can't get from here to there, and that's why I wanted to say it can be easy, because a lot of it is mindset if we can change our mindset and be less controlling and less fearful and less focused on the outcome and the achievements, and realize it's about life, it's about every breathing moment that we have and the culture we can establish of how we move. I, like you, or I'm still a good person. It's really funny actually um, but but these are cultural things that you establish in your family, and the shouting also is a cultural thing that you establish. Oh, now we shout when we want to execute, control or we want to make a change. Then we shout um. So my point being, it's not about what it looks like, it's about what we think about what it looks like. That's the most important thing for sure.

27:22 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
Yeah, I agree I'm.

27:26 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
I'm looking at what is passed down from generation to generation, and here I'm not talking about trauma, but of you can call them tools, parenting tools, or, um, how they can be traumatic though how they can be traumatic though sure, but it's a twine thing here.

27:47 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
Now we're going down the line of the button of the basket of yarn, where everything is totally mixed yeah exactly so what I'm, what I'm trying to get to?

27:58 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
no, it's fun. What I'm trying to get to is um, where cecililia and I have the joy of having been together for 20 years and Cecilia had a daughter of five, which I've, luckily, have been a father for the last 20 years, and it was so wonderful and we just saw her yesterday. But that meant I came into a unit where there already was some understanding of parenting and Cecilia has also, as the oldest sister in her family, with more traumatic childhood than I had, been a substitute parent in many ways. So she had so many skills and I was like the, the youngest kid brother, like okay, let her take control. And then I tried, you know, to yell in my way when I couldn't figure it out, or so.

28:48
I'm, but I didn't get a lot of um, hey, yes, but you're becoming a dad now. Um, well, here's some good advices, or I, and maybe I didn't seek that advice from my parents, parents, um, I'm just considering what would I say to yes, but 20 years ago, what will, besides, chill down, uh, drink a little less, party a little less, be more, listen more to your life.

29:17
Wait, please, let me finish cecilia's got some ideas on this no, so what I'm um what the subject I want to raise, I'm not sure. I want to hear her ideas.

29:30 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
It was that one idea we put it out there just listen to your wife.

29:33 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Listen to your wife, yeah, no, it's more like which kind of brushes or helping tools is good to start out with when you become a parent for the first time, because when I look at the way I parent now and the person I am now, I would. There's so many parts of where I am today I would just love to have be able to hand down to myself and my cat. Yeah aww.

30:09 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
And what would you say to younger Jesper, who just you know?

30:14 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
stop crying younger Jesper didn't cry no, no, I don't know cry let yourself cry. Stop crying. No, no, I don't know. Cry, let yourself cry.

30:27 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Start crying. I really hope that when my children become parents, that I will be able to support them in a way that I didn't seek support myself and I didn't get support, because I also find it damn hard to become a parent. It's so life-changing. So my question was beside me, getting all emotional and crying was which uh tools or steps do you on your path when people come to you, give them as hey, maybe start over here because it's a long journey yeah, it really is that.

31:08 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
You know, coming back to that holding space, you know, like when that parent comes to me and just for them, in the experience of being really heard and being able to share the really tough stuff, you know, know they get to, they get to hear themselves and, um, you know, the, the, such a gift it's not, it's just it's just not the way I work to write. Here's the, you know, here's the advice, here's the set of tools that you, you know, do, the rates, of course, a whole set of approaches and courses and all of that. And, and you know, when people do the courses and they go through it, it makes a huge, huge, huge difference. But often it starts with making contact and, um, and just being heard, you know, and what you know. A bit back then, you know, jesper, when you, you know, when you guys got together, then it would have been hard to have enough space. It's just never enough space is there to really hear each other and hold space for each other. So, um, you know that that's that's my answer.

32:21
Really is that, and then it'll just come from there. You know, as that parent shares, and then they share, and then they share more and then they share more and then they hear themselves, and even before I meet them and they fill out this um, you know, some questions about what's been going on and what approaches have they been taking and what's worked and what, how you know, and something about the history and going back to the birth, like just even that process itself is often quite insightful and healing for parents, you know. So, yeah, it's just really about holding space and connecting with them, because we are like our kids, the same people who seek our support. They don't care what we know until they know that we care. I can't remember who I'm quoting here. It's a famous quote, isn't it? But, um, but that's the same, our kids they don't. They don't care what we know, or they don't listen to our advice when they're not feeling our care. When they're feeling our care which changes, you know and when they're feeling it, then they open up to us and so that's really it.

33:33
It's about establishing that relationship and having compassion for that parent, because I don't know who they are, where they've come from, but I know they have had one hell of a journey, and there isn't any parent who's ever made contact with me where I've, you know, read some of their story then listened to them.

33:53
That isn't, to one extent or another, pretty heartbreaking, to be honest with you. So whoever I meet, every parent, every parent if I'm talking to a room with 200 people I absolutely know that everybody there has just has been through their own form of hell and back, because, you know, because they're human and so and it's just opening up that space and having that and that's what the piece is about. The piece is not about you know kind of sitting meditating or you know kind of sitting meditating or you know the peace is about having that openness of heart and that compassion to to hold space for each other. You know, if your, if your child gets really angry at you and they're raging at you, it's like, ok, there's something big here that needs to be heard, and you know, holding space for that. It's incredibly difficult, but what a gift when we can do it also the piece really has sense of stage.

34:53 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
I think if we try to do the mindset shift that I'm agitating for, so like at least step one or quick fix or you know how to get started in three steps kind of. I mean, we have years of inner work in front of us, all of us and the children will poke us right where that work needs to get started. But sometimes you just have a lot of small kids and not a lot of time and energy and you just have to live through your days. So if that piece gets to have sense of stage and you hold that as your golden standard, it's easy to see what disturbs that piece yeah, exactly towards.

35:37
where is the piece? Um, very often it's. It's in those things that I would recommend my own younger self and my husband's younger self, and if I was to say anything to young parents, it would have to be down the lines of maybe just let go of everything you think you know and let go of all ideas you have about how it has to look. Then you meet your child when it's born. It's a human, it's a person. It's not a baby, it's someone. Live your moments, your very, very valuable, amazing moments, with this person. Get to know each other. Try to hold as much peace as you can in that. Whatever disturbs that peace, walk away from it.

36:24 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love what you're saying, cecilia, and it's something I often say to parents. Which is different but similar is that we can get back on track when we have established some sort of track that we've decided that we want to walk on. And that's our values, you know, and that's you're really speaking to having a value for more peace and more harmony in the family. And and that was me too, that was very much how I set out was to find peace of minds and peace of heart and myself, and then the value of wanting my children to experience as much of that as possible. And then, when you've got that value, this you, just I, I, you just said it so beautifully. I can't kind of repeat it how you said that you, I'm sure you can, of course, but when you got that value, then you, you know, can recognize, as you say, whatever disturbs that piece. You can. You know, you know that there's a place you want to get back to and you know, when you talk about those kind of simple things for parents, you know, what I find in helping parents is that when they really really get that value of the connection and that the connection is everything, because they're after getting into, you know how well does my baby sleep or not sleep, or feed, or how well does my child kind of socially adjust, or you know. But when they come back to the connection as being, you know, really that's, that's what it's all about, the relationship and the connection then they can start to recognize. Well, when I do this, like when I, when I yell, you know it breaks down the connection with my child, my child's like like this, and they don't want to talk to me and they go, whatever. No, or you know they won't respond like, oh well, that's, that's not working. 've got that value of the connection, the relationship, you'll just do, you know, and that's intrinsic motivation, isn't it? When we've it's, it's driven by that which we value and that which we value. It's incredible what us humans will pull ourselves through and endure and work through, and you know the suffering that we will take on to achieve our goals. It's just there's no end to it and there's no end to it. And when I'm working with teachers and I do work quite a lot with teachers, which I really love because they, you know, most of them they've got these similar values in their hearts, you know, for more peace and harmony and for children to be happy and to feel seen and heard and liked and loved. And you know, and they love it when they're given some simple guidelines and tools for maintaining more of that peace and harmony. And it's it comes through that, that value, valuing the connection and the relationship, yeah, so, yeah, I loved the way you described that. You know, recognizing what disturbs the peace. You're going to recognize it when you've got a strong value for it and know it's a core value. But a lot of people need help to get back to remembering and being true to and honoring that, that value that they have, because they've got pulled into the what they should or shouldn't be doing or how they should be doing it.

40:19 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
And, yeah, there can also be a lot of achievement value, a lot of ego-based value. That's value like. You have this idea that I want to have great grades or to perform in sports or whatever. I want my house to look sparkling, or there could be many different values on the many different values and it's not on the big level.

40:41
And of course we achieve things. We get up in the morning and we do or do not brush our teeth, and that actually does make a difference in life. So it's not on the big level. And of course we achieve things. We get up in the morning and we do or do not brush our teeth, and that actually does make a difference in life. So it's not that we're not supposed to do things on that achievement tick box kind of level. We have to.

40:55
The practical level is a big part of life, but the more psychological, emotional level is just the foundation. It's where we have to put our focus and where the real things are happening, whereas all the practical things are more like surface waves on the big ocean. And it's important because we do sail our ship there on the surface. It's just that you know, know, the whole ocean has to be some sort of peace. And if we can, if we can have that peace as and now I'm going to use another metaphor, but as a sort of leading star rather than yes, it's a value and I like uh to me, I hold that value very dearly, but if it's a leading star, it's like we're walking towards the peace.

41:44
Where's the peace to be found here and what's what's putting us? What's disturbing that we need away from that, and that could be the idea of the dinner has to be healthy, for example. That's an idea in our mind, and and then then you run around with your, with your, your kale and all of your brown rice and you need to shovel it into your kids and you get more and more like why don't they eat it?

42:11
And so maybe we should just look for the peace, and that mind, that idea is not giving peace. And that's not that I'm saying french fries forever.

42:25
I'm just saying if, if, if well, I'm just saying that if the peace is the leading star, it also gives space for the other thing you're saying. That's completely, I mean, fundamental. It's the other leg of a good parenting lifestyle, the relation which is the love. So now we're back to the hippies. It's peace and love, those are the two. It is, yeah, that way, and but without the peace we can't live the love. We can maybe have it somewhere in there, but the moments that we live, the presence that we have here now, will not be unfolding love if we don't have peace.

43:03 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
So these two, yeah, yeah, and this is this, this is life, isn't it that? Yeah, that that, like the, the goss, there's the good and the bad bacteria and you can sit down to that gorgeous organic meal that you've put so much work into, or whatever it is. That's your value. And if there's a whole lot of tension, um, you know, one of my articles is when the meal table becomes a battleground. You know, when there's a whole load of tension, then that that that food is is going to. You know the whole system is going to become really acidic and it's not going to be good nutrition going through the system and so, you know, they're just using that.

43:46
It's like the irony of parents battling, going to battle with their child to make them eat healthy food and what they're doing is creating negative associations for the child with food and they're not wanting to come to the table and and um, but you know, yeah, these are just like daily battles. Uh, you know, so many parents have that. They, they. Again, it comes back to the fixed mindset versus the growth mindset. You know that we've been told you you have to do this, you have to parent in this way, and I think it's not exactly what you said, but I think you you, you speaking to you know when parents think that they're doing a good job or not, based on what their child is doing, that's like that's.

44:34
You know, an awful lot of conflict happens through that, through the parents going. You know you were rude in that social situation and you made me look like a bad parent. It's like, well, you know you were rude in that social situation and you made me look like a bad parent. It's like, well, you know, did they make you look like a bad parent and what you know? And whereas, you know, when we hold the value of the relationship and, you know, strong enough, we find ways to come back to more peace and more harmony. And it's just an, it's just an ongoing dance, isn't it In every family? And I think it's. It's just the more, more people just talk about I don't know just real about the challenges in the family. Then, you know, talking about the struggle and the tough stuff and the traumas that we've generated and, ironically, leads to more happiness and peace and harmony, because we're you know that allows us to, um, uh, be more okay with that, which is not okay.

45:43 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
Yeah but also the value theme. It's one of the things we also always work with, like step one, when we talk to people and guide them, as you need to find out what are your core values, what's important to you because of course it does reflect back the children. They are sort of you know, the outcome of the family somehow and and. But maybe I don't care if my kids can show up and display perfect behavior at fine dining, or I don't care if my kids speak nine languages or not. It's not important to me. So this reflecting back and this ego drama that lots of parents have and they start adjusting children happens very often, actually with in-laws. It's a big problem that you you want your children to be your in-laws perfect so that they like you.

46:46
Because you're married and this whole drama. It's so negative. And then you come home and then you have a pick a fight with your spouse and you have to adjust the kids and nothing of that is your family, core values. So being able to to talk about core values and knowing what's actually really important to me, that puts you in a place where your peace can be restored. Because, okay, whatever, if some bus driver disagrees with my kids not wearing shoes or whatever family member is asking them about exams they don't have or whatever it is if I really know in my heart I don't care, then it cannot disturb peace and I'm still walking towards that start.

47:28 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
So, and that's not hard inner work, childhood trauma necessarily doesn't have to be step one, yeah, I think, I think what's important in our family, and then we start from there yeah, yeah, I think, different for I don't know, just different for everybody really, you know, because I I know a lot of parents who I have supported who have this. They really want to have this value of not caring what the in-laws think, not caring what the relatives think, but for them it is big work to get to that stage, you know, and they have to work really hard on, you know, being centering themselves and and kind of rehearsing what they're going to say and things like that. And then they get there and they come back and they go well, I stuffed up, I just, you know, threw my child under the bus and said, oh yeah, she is rude, isn't that? Why did I say that? I can't believe I said that but my own child. And then they, you know, and they go oh, you're okay, what will you next time?

48:28
You know there's some people, it's you know they would just say, oh, you're so lucky to just not care. They desperately want to not care but to get from really, really, really caring and to that place of being able to be at peace and be more relaxed, actually be relaxed, not just pretend to be relaxed and pretend to cope in that situation. It's, it's a lot of work and you say it's not about inner, you know, childhood trauma work, but for some people it very much is, you know, and it's just different for everybody. I think you know yeah, and we suggest.

49:05 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
What I'm saying is you don't have to start with the trauma work, you can start yeah of course it's. It will always be your background coming up, and it's very family relations very, very complicated no, no.

49:21 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
And we have had like, uh, the amount of host family. Get together the arguments we have had with each other, man, what a waste me and my husband's the same yeah I do care and it does poke me everywhere

49:38 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
saying, I'm just saying it's because I kind of want to. I'm not saying that the work you do and I, I do the same line of work. I just find sometimes it can put people off a little bit if they enter the parenting and they just want to do a little bit better. So can you give me some advice? Or, you know, talking to someone who actually doesn't have a hell of a story they just have a newborn, you know, and they're just there, are good starting points. That does not necessarily, as you know, just to lay out a foundation your leading star, find your own core values, at least you know.

50:18
And then you throw your kids under the bus and you come home crying and and you come home doubting and everything is chaos. But somehow in there you know, and maybe you talked to the other parent about it so what's truly important in our family? Yeah, that will just lift it up a little bit.

50:39 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
Get started I think some of the people coming to a place where there's hold the space for them to come out with the things they they are in a different spot when they're more challenging.

50:52 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know you also have some listeners who just listen to this because they they don't necessarily have a child. That is an extreme situation. Could be just you know someone just oh yeah, you know, I'm just trying to talk about. You know other scenarios simple, exactly, it doesn't have to be 10 years of therapy.

51:17
It can be just find your good stepping stones and then you're started and maybe get through the first years. Maybe you get twins, maybe you're a single parent. You know, it could be many reasons for doing a lot of emotional work.

51:29 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
Just have some structure and maybe the idea for sure, yeah and just just to clarify, you know, I just work with the whole range of parents, you know, not just. It was really just just for your question about you know, what is it that? You know why people come to me and then when I reflect on that, I think, well, the people who actually book like the one-on-one appointments, whereas when I've got a room full of people at a workshop or an evening seminar, it's a really it's a really kind of just normal cross-section of the public actually, and you've just got, you've got everybody there.

52:05 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
So it's not just kind of the um, the very high needs, or the um, yeah, and all parents need support, more support the word twins made me think about a story which I've mentioned on earlier podcast, which is our upstairs neighbor when we lived in copenhagen. She was sometimes really stressed out and I looked at it from the side one day and I was like, oh my god, her twins had come to an age where they were too heavy for her to carry down the very steep stairs so she needed to lock one child in the apartment, carry the other one down, put him in the cargo bike, buckle him up so make sure he doesn't fall out and fall somewhere, go up to the crying child, leaving another child crying coming down. And this was before eight in the morning. Imagine the stress level and sometimes it wasn't easy to be neighbor with. And now I'm like, oh, wonder, why, wonder, why? Um, yeah, it's just.

53:12
It can be very difficult and stressful sometimes to manage these mornings about holding space and creating the, the peace for people to to come and and be heard. Yeah, can you, because we need to end the podcast, looking at our time, can you tell a little about what you're doing, the peaceful parent institute and how you invite people where? How do you create space? We try to create our space with making this podcast inviting people in getting words out. But you both have a very big community on social media and then you do workshops and things. Can you put some words on it and also plug how people can find you and where's a good starting point? Maybe one or two articles where they're like oh, I want to read that one?

54:09 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
yeah, yeah.

54:11
So my website is thanks, jesper, and my website is peaceful. Parent dot com. Parent singular, um and uh, that's a good place to go. If they go on there and they put their email in, um, if they, you know, trust me with their email'll get. They'll just get a tips and inspiration email once a week and and they're, you know, pretty significant emails. You know I often will bump into somebody in town or the veggie market and they'll just give me a big hug and say you just always seem to be speaking to me. You know that I've put a lot of work into into that and that newsletter list and so just even putting their email in and they'll get an email that hopefully would be the right words at the right time or that will help them.

55:03
You know some inspiration and usually some examples of here's a tricky, you know, normal tricky challenges. What do you do in this situation? Both kids want this or the kids are fighting in the back of the car. You know I like to share lots and lots and lots of really typical challenges that happen in probably most families most of the time in in my these newsletters, but also in my courses as well, and they can go on my into the products for sale page link and there's just, you know, different courses there. There's overcoming overwhelm, which is all about you know, which is all about managing their own stress, actually, and coming out of that sympathetic nervous and, you know, learning to overcome the yelling and managing being in that stress response and coming out of it.

55:59
But there's quite a few different courses. There's a really beautiful one called the 10 Day Peaceful Peering Challenge. It's not doesn't cost much at all and it's just every for each day of 10 days, just something really, really simple that offers a really beautiful reframe. And on all of my courses there's these reflection questions and parents seem to get more out of that than the material, or at least as much you know, because they'll watch the video or the audio. They'll read that, you know this about how, the value of problem solving or whatever it is. And then you know the reflection questions ask them about, on that topic, what's the challenge that they have and how can they apply what they've just been learning?

56:44
And, um, you know, and I I will read them and then send emails to people as well, and and also on the website, when people join, like by any of the course, or join up there's there's forums and they can just share in the forums. There's a self-healing forum and nutrition one and our, you know, one for our trainees and um, yeah, so, and, and they can, you know, they can just reach out. There's a little chat box on the website so they can just message and say this is my problem, where do I start? And one of the team, will you know, give them a pointer in some direction. I think that there's a start here option on the main menu, which also they can watch some videos for free, just to get started. Yeah, so thanks, jesper.

57:33 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
If we should end with a reflection point, then some videos for free just to get started, yeah. So thanks, jesper. If we should end with a reflection point, then, inspired by how you build things up, what should we ask people to reflect?

57:44 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
on. Yeah, so well, there's been quite a theme of the values in this talk, which I've really enjoyed, and I think it can never be overstressed. So to just reflect on, you know, what are the values that they want to be the most prominent values in their family? It's a really powerful question to ask.

58:09 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
It's a good place to start.

58:11 - Jesper Conrad (Host)
I like it. Jen. Jen Weave thanks a lot for your time. Um, we will put all the links in the show notes. It have been one of these days with both laughter, tears and joy, so I have enjoyed it.

58:25 - Genevieve Simperingham (Guest)
A minstrel thank you, thank you both. I've so enjoyed meeting both of you and just have that feeling that we could just we. We likely have so much in common and we could talk forever. And I love what you guys are doing. Yeah, it's really beautiful. So, yeah, thank you for having me on your podcast.

58:46 - Cecilie Conrad (Host)
It was fun, it really was.

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